...some people just need to stop buying me Christmas presents. I'm not mentioning names, or what the specific presents were (not that the person will ever read this anyway). But when the primary emotion evoked in the recipient is sadness that you spent a lot of money and missed by SO much in picking something that they either wanted or needed, just stop trying. I promise I won't be offended (I'll definitely be less offended by nothing than by that other gift that shows you assume I don't purchase basic household supplies just because I'm a man.)
This present was just, so... not something I would ever want. Which is not to say that no one would never want it, or that it's completely useless--it's just so far removed from something I would ever buy for myself that I literally don't want to be around it. It's like if someone bought me a Hummer; that would be an awesome gift, for some people. To me, it's a giant waste of money and gas. And I already have my own car, which I like. If the choice were between a non-transferable Hummer (i.e. I wasn't allowed to sell or donate it; I had to keep it) and nothing, I would choose nothing every damn time. And I don't want to go into too much detail, but suffice to say this present is entirely unreturnable.
I even feel bad about feeling bad about the whole thing, too. I'm sure the giver put thought and effort and significant money into it. But I just can't muster up any gratitude. Now I have this thing that I don't want, never will want, do not even want to be in my house, would feel bad about throwing away, and would be of questionable donation value. There is literally nothing I can do with this gift that won't make me feel worse than if I had never gotten it in the first place.
It probably seems like I'm making a bigger deal of this than I should, and maybe I am. But this gift was also in the context of other gifts, and the overall theme was Things The Giver Thinks I Should Have. Which, when you take off the Christmas wrapping, is basically I Think Your Life Choices Are Wrong--Here Are Some Things That I Would Purchase For Myself If I Were You Because I Make Life Choices That Are Correct.
Anyway, it won't happen, but maybe next year you could just get me a nice card. If you absolutely MUST get me something, you could do what everyone else does and give me cash or a gift card. (A generic gift card. Not from, say, a specific restaurant, because there are plenty of popular restaurants I don't care for *cough*Chik-Fil-A*cough*. Ideally, I would say something like an American Express gift card that essentially works as cash almost anywhere, but most of those have like a $5 activation fee, so fuck them. The best bet for gift cards is something like Wal-Mart, which has a whole big wall of gift cards for other places. Which means even I absolutely loathed Wal-Mart, I could effectively go there and exchange my Wal-Mart gift card for one from someplace else. Problem solved.) Or just don't get me anything. I'm perfectly cool with that. Nothing says "I'm not going to judge you" like total apathy. Just offer me a lovely appetizer and let's enjoy each other's company for five minutes, after which my introvert tolerance for other humans will be exhausted, and I will go home. Merry Christmas.
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