Transcript of what happened in my brain this morning:
*sitting there, waiting for church to start*
*sees [x] walk in and sit down a few rows in front of me, where [x] = attractive woman I've said hi to maybe once in passing and I heard a rumor once she might be single and it's possible I've spent a non-trivial amount of time since then planning what to serve at our wedding reception*
*sees some guy immediately sit down RIGHT next to her, even though there is PLENTY of room to leave an open seat between them, which I'm pretty sure is one of the main rules in the Geneva Convention*
My brain:
"Well, that's a little suspicious. But they're probably just friends probably. Maybe. Probably. She seems to be saying something to him. I bet it's a friendly reminder about the Geneva Convention Open Seat rule.... It's weird that she reminded him of that, but he still isn't moving over...."
*eyes them for the next 10 minutes*
"Okay, well, they seem to be maintaining a respectable distance from each other, under the circumstances. I'm sure it's nothing to... hmmm, that's odd--from this angle, it looks like his shoulder is kind of touching hers. Like they're sitting really close together or something. It's probably the lighting. And these seats are pretty narrow anyway, so, you know...."
*looks in some other direction and sees lesbian couple where one partner has arm around the other*
"That is SO awesome! I love this place and how everyone can feel safe to be who they are and love who they love without caring about what society thinks and rainbows and puppies and ice cream..."
*looks back toward [x], literally three-tenths of a second later*
"OMG! Where the fuck is his hand? Is he resting it on her LEG??? In a CHURCH??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? Although, hang on, I can't actually see for sure. They might just be holding hands....OMG! THAT'S EVEN WORSE!!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!"
To be fair, that was just ONE part of my brain. There was another, more rational part of my brain that was watching the whole thing, and it would occasionally make the rational, scientific point that I am completely mental. Which is something both parts of my brain can agree on.
And, really, I wasn't all that concerned about the feelings of insane, completely irrational jealousy; because I think that might be a thing that normal humans sometimes have. What gets me is that even though I knew all along she was single and rated 10 out of 10 bunnies on the adorableness scale, I couldn't do anything about it.
I know...right now you're saying, "Of COURSE you could have done something about it, you silly person! You could have asked her on a date. She might have said no, but it can't hurt to ask, etc, etc..." First of all, when a huge chunk of your psyche has been scarred by rejection issues your whole life, then, yes, it CAN hurt to ask. But being told no actually would've been EASY (painful, but easy.) Her saying yes would've been much more of a train wreck. Because putting an introvert alone together with someone they don't know very well is just asking for trouble. A normal person could've just asked her out--I would've had to figure out what she likes to do and try to casually get into doing it myself at the same time and very gradually getting to know her for like 3 years and eventually getting to the point where I felt comfortable enough with her to ask her out and then taking another year to think about exactly how I'm going ask her out and then another year waiting for the right moment. There are at least 2 problems with that approach:
1. I'm pretty sure that sort of thing is now legally considered "stalking."
2. You never know what you might end up having to do.
("Hi, I'm here for the thing."
"You're here for the Survivors of Cervical Cancer Support Group?"
"Um.......yes."
"Uh......."
"I'm transgender. I forget which way, but it's the one that makes it not weird for me to be here."
"I'm calling the police now."
"I understand.")
So, yeah. I had kind of a moment today. It wasn't really about one woman in particular. It was more about being frustrated and lonely. There's a whole societal order set up for men and women to get together, and I just don't fit into it. I'm wired so that it takes me a long time to find the right person, but that doesn't mean I don't need the right person just as much as anybody else does. I've been without that person for such a long time now, and it seems like my life is stuck. I have no motivation to do anything, because I feel like my life will never be right until I get someone else in my life. And the odds of it ever happening seem depressingly low. And why did that guy have to be so much prettier than me....
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