So, a month-ish ago, I stumbled across the word "demisexual," which I had never heard before. I hate not knowing what words mean, so I looked it up, and this is the definition:
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual
attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.
I immediately thought, "Hey, wait. That sounds like me." And I had to think about it for a bit, but that definitely IS me. I've been thinking about it since then, and trying to process what it all means, and I'm going to try to write some of that down now. Except it's mostly going to be in random bits, as I think of them....
-I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. The first woman I ever dated was in college, and we hadn't known each other very well beforehand. There was much kissing that went on; and I was certainly, shall we say, tumescent. But I never felt any desire to actually have sex with her. I did feel like I eventually WOULD be interested in sex with her, but it would just take some time. I remember at one point, we were sitting in my room, and she took my hand and put it on her breast. I just sat there, not knowing what to do. She broke it off after a week, and I was bitter for a long time without actually understanding why.
-The first woman I did have sex with was someone I had been really good friends with for over a year. I had been in love with her for probably half that time, but she was already in a relationship. Then that relationship went south and she kinda started seeing me on the side, and it got all complicated. But the point is, we had a very strong pre-existing emotional bond, and I was perfectly happy to touch any and all parts of her. And the sex itself was never primarily about physical pleasure as much as emotional connection. It was like I wanted to be as close to her as was physically possible, and sex just happened to be that. Obviously, people have lives and get tired and distracted, and sex can't always be perfect; but the times when we got it right and really connected, I literally could not tell quite where my body stopped and her body started.
-I've been kinda on the fence about putting the "label" of demisexual on myself, even though I feel pretty sure it fits me. Partly because no one knows what it means anyway, but also because it's admitting that I'm not "normal." (Not that anyone is really "normal.") I guess it's just that my whole life I thought I was "normal" and was just doing it wrong. But I get now that I'm different in a way that most people aren't. And that's okay. Or something.
-I'm still trying to figure out how this demisexual thing works. Because it's true that I'm not interested in sex unless I've bonded emotionally with someone. But that doesn't stop me from getting crushes on women ALL the damn time. And they don't have to be women I know well. Or women I've ever actually met. (See earlier Cute Violin Girl blog post.) And I'm not even sure what a crush even means for me. ("Hey, baby, I'd like to take you back to my place and... do some platonic emotional bonding?") I can look at a woman and think she's attractive, presumably the same way that "normal" people do. For a long time, I've very much wanted to meet someone and be in a relationship and all that. But it never happened, and I thought it was because I was fat and unattractive and had nothing to offer, so no woman would ever WANT to be with me. While I'm not 100% over that feeling, I've started to realize that it might also be due to being demisexual in a dating culture that was absolutely not designed for me...
-Knowing what I know about myself now, I look back at the past 20 years and it's almost comical how much the deck was stacked against me, in terms of dating. I'm very introverted, and I don't like talking to new people in the first place--which means the only women I'm ever going to ever talk to are ones who happen to be there when I go out and do stuff. And for most of that time, I was depressed, so I had no motivation to go out and do stuff. And if I ever got past all that and actually met a woman, what was I going to do? I can't "date" her in the traditional sense, because I don't know if I'm actually interested in her. I could try to hang out with her in a just-friends sort of way, in which case she'll assume I'm not interested in dating her; and if I decide two years later that I am interested in her, that's just going to be an awkward conversation. At least now I understand how I work, and maybe that will make things easier. Once I get over the feelings of being hideously-unattractive-so-why-even-bother...
-From what I can tell, the whole idea of demisexuality is relatively new, and there aren't a lot of resources to read/learn about it. But to me, the whole concept seems very related to introversion. Introverts hate small talk and crave deep, meaningful interaction with a small number of people that they know well. Demisexuality sounds a lot like taking that and applying it to sex. Obviously, not all introverts are going to be demisexual, but I kinda feel like if you gain enough levels in introvert, demisexual becomes a class feature...
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