So, about 3 weeks ago, my prescription for anti-depressants was due for a monthly refill, so I called it in to Wal-Mart like I normally do. It was out of refills, so I would theoretically have to wait one extra business day for them to call my doctor and get authorization. Well, apparently, it took a lot longer than that. I called with a good 3 or 4 days worth of pills left, but by the time those ran out, I still hadn't heard anything from the pharmacy. So, I made the decision that I was going to just stop taking the anti-depressants. Just like that.
Now, before you say it, let me agree with you that this was, on paper, an extremely bad idea. You never want to just stop taking anti-depressants without talking to your doctor, and even then it's usually better to taper off gradually. I'm fully aware of all that, and I did it anyway. To explain why, I need to go into the
History Of My Depression
I can't say for sure how long I've been clinically depressed(tm), but looking back, I think it's not a stretch to say it's been my whole life. Certainly since high school, and probably before then. It's hard to pinpoint exactly. I was always fat, and always felt like I was "less than" everyone else. Like other people were actual, regular people, and I was in some other category apart from them. I'm also very introverted, which only in the past 5 or so years have I come to realize is a perfectly normal thing. But back then, it just seemed like extreme social awkwardness and another reason I was not a normal person. Those things could have combined to look like depression, but without necessarily being an actual organic brain disorder. On the other hand, I also remember not caring about anything. My only goal with school was to make it through the day and be done with it. I did as little work as I could to get by--since I was smarter than most of the other students, I was usually able to get away with it. I remember when people asked my what my favorite subject was, I didn't have an answer, because I just didn't care about any of it. I had no real plans for the future, other than a vague idea that I would be a lawyer because that's what my dad did. That was pretty much my life until my last semester of college--which turned out not to be my last semester of college, because I stopped going to class altogether and had to withdraw. Fortunately, my dad had recovered from alcoholism not that long before, and knew to get me into therapy. (My mom didn't believe depression was a real thing back then. I'm not 100% sure if she believes it now.) I got into therapy, got onto some meds, and started doing better. I went off those meds at some point--don't remember why--and while I was still seeing a therapist on and off, I was basically mired in depression. I was unmotivated to do anything most of the time. And whenever I did try to start something good (exercise, dieting), I would end up getting off track after a few months (or less). At some point during the early 2000's-ish, I went to see a psychiatrist and got back on meds again, which helped a little, but not a lot. I got off those meds and wasn't on anything for awhile, and once again got mired in depression. About 5 years ago, I went back to the same doctor and got back on meds, and those definitely made a difference, but not what I would call a life-changing one. I was less depressed, but still not very motivated. And eventually, I had to up the dosages and add more meds to stay at that same level. About a year ago, I started reading about leaky-gut syndrome, and how imbalances in gut bacteria might play a huge role in all sorts of illnesses, including depression and psoriasis (which I also have). I started taking a daily probiotic, which seemed to help a little. I experimented with going gluten-free, but didn't notice any changes. A couple months ago, I was reading up some more, and found out that there are supplements that can help repair the micro-gaps in the intestine that are responsible for letting the bacteria through in the first place. So, I've been taking those (quercetin and glutamine), and I've been feeling awesome!
I guess the main point (which has taken a long, meandering path to get to) is that I've been off my anti-depressants for a few weeks, which is enough time for them to completely leave my system, and I still feel great. Which makes me wonder if the depression was ever really a disease all along, or just a symptom of a microbiome that was continually out of balance.
In case any of you are worried, I'm also not completely ruling out the possibility that this is temporary and the depression might come back. But if it does, I'll be able to realize it and do something about it sooner, rather than later. (There were times I was on meds when they just stopped being effective and I was feeling bad, but it never occurred to me it might be a problem with the meds. I have enough experience with it now that I'm able to realize when things aren't right.)
In other health-related news, I've also started taking curcumin (turmeric extract) to see if helps with psoriasis. I was hoping the psoriasis would start to fade once the whole leaky gut thing got healed, but I haven't been able to see any difference. Curcumin is supposed to be very anti-inflammatory, so hopefully it will have some sort of noticeable effect soon. If not, I may try going gluten- and/or dairy-free again, just to see if it works any better this time.
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